Snapshot 2024
So that time has come again. It always feels awkward to me now. The new Calendar year not matching my Academic year. While the whole world (and myself kinda) take the time to reflect, look forward, and celebrate another revolution around our sun... it kind of feels a bit flat to me. Knowing what it feels like to truly have everything complete and celebrate a true 'end' all at once, makes this half, twisted, version a bit off putting.
Nonetheless I have taken time each year for the past few ones to reflect a little on the year that has been, how I have grown and changed, and what I might be looking forward to in the new calendar year.
A slice of life - 23/24
In 2022 I did my recap, and it was that year that I realised how crazy this half snapshot is. It began with the world in COVID and myself finishing my high school exams. I graduated, returned to Australia, got my grades back, and moved to University all in that same year. The drawing I ended up making did its best to capture all of that. And looking at the 3 or 4 different... character arcs I went through and just how different I and the situation I found myself in were.
This year is much the same (I missed doing one of these last year for... well...).
We begin 2024 with my job at the Student Union. More so in London on holiday, but that's the context I suppose. I had missed the opportunity to travel and join my family due to my passport being too close to expiry. Instead my (at the time) partner and I spent our time with each other. Enjoying London before heading back North.
Work was only harder and more tiring. My energy and mood didn't really greatly improve. I think I had another severe depressive spell. Around March or April as the final academic term began I started looking up a bit more. I had won the election that meant I would continue (though in a Part Time capacity) and I eagerly began preparing for what I wanted to do in the new Academic Year.
I didn't get to achieve much during my time as an officer. At least that's what I felt and thought. However, as I came back in the new year and watched the new team and leaders work, re-joined the societies I'd helped or shown interest in the year prior, and began my part time work. I now look back and am proud of the things I did achieve.
From simply listening and showing someone cared to students, to securing some progress and improvements for a handful of groups. While not systemic wins, they have positively affected people; and that's as good a win as I can hope for.
Summer
So I finished that job. I was not in a great headspace. I wanted to forget about the University, about my life here in the UK. I felt (mentally) unwell and that I should take the time to recover before venturing once more out into the world. My partner talked me out of it and so instead I began my summer job at an English Language school.
I worked in the residence team, running one of the external, additional, residences they opened to better support the summer numbers. It wasn't too difficult work, and the people around me were competent enough and kind. I'd say its one of the more rewarding jobs, as you see the work you put in reflected in the smiles on kids' faces or the smoothness (or improved smoothness) of regular activities like arrivals and orientation.
During the summer the school opens much more short term 'packages' meaning we have over 100 students arriving and departing each week. Some stay for a week or two, others the whole summer, and others still use it as an opportunity to test the waters before committing to a whole year or half a year of pure English studies.
It being an English school and attracting students from across the world, the staff were as diverse in background, skills, and interests too. Being in such an International and Globalised space was re-energising. It gave me that spark I had fostered in high school and lost over my time in England thus far.
It also made me feel competent. That if I found the right job, the right team, the right company, I could thrive. That it wasn't my fault if a system was broken and that when things are going right, I am just as competent as the next person (if not sometimes more).
Midsummer
The job finished in August and uni didn't start until late September. As you can see from the past posts, I found things to do. My dad came to visit at one point and help me move places.
Preparing for returning to studies, being a student, and trying to not care about all the politics and problems I had experienced the year before was getting me anxious. I was also trying to build up my life skills, cooking, cleaning, and such.
My partner had to fly home and so I was left alone for quite a while. We called often and when my dad came over he took me inland to a nice hiking area and we did some walks around there. It was a nice experience as I hadn't been able to do something like that for a very long time. Not only did it take preparation and planning, but getting there and home again is the toughest thing to do. Especially without a car.
After I moved places and he left, things were going well. I did some prep work for my new job, as well as keeping up with some creative writing. However, in the background of all of this my mental health was reaching a really unstable point. Whenever I'm away from my partner I spiral really badly. The ADHD medication helped a lot in keeping me functional and suppressing a lot of the negative thoughts and such during the day. However, it relied on me taking the pills and eating well. Which sometimes one or the other didn't happen.
I've written before about suspecting I have BPD. Having nothing going on around me. No friends. No events. No work. And my partner being overseas, it was hard. At one point I had a fight with them. Or more they said an innocent off hand comment, which under most other circumstances and situations would be fine. However it spent me spiralling hard.
In the end...
Pre-school
As the start of the Academic year drew closer I started getting things ready again. Cleaning my room. Choosing what meals I would eat. How to plan my timetable and schedule. What groups I wanted to be part of.
Week 0 - 7
There are a few different stakeholders or perspectives to look at as the Academic year begins. Studies, Social Life, Work, Family, Friends. All of these take on their own direction and spirit. Sometimes one can be going well while another is spiralling out of control.
What was definitely dragging everything down though was work. From day 1 I stepped foot back into the office, things weren't easy or clear. Despite my best efforts to plan and get permission for ideas before the summer break, nothing had been prepared and in some (if not most) instances, the outlines and plans had been ignored and actually had obstacles placed in its way.
Week 7
So I resigned. Eventually. After a while. I won't go on anymore. Its traumatic now I think, but I'm glad its behind me and as you'll see, various things had been building up to create a very different turn of pace.
The other stuff week 1 - 7
I joined the Esports society. I play Rainbow Six Siege and it was really fun to have a group of people to play with again. We didn't end up getting very far (i was in the 2nd team if that wasn't obvious) and quite a few weeks we had to forfeit due to a missing player. It was a fun experience nonetheless and brought me closer to new people and connected me with a new group of potential friends.
I also continued doing things with the Trans Association, though as the Vice-President this year. It was helpful to have less responsibility and somewhat allowed me to focus on more fun ideas and other projects. Once again we ran quite a few socials, all of which had great turn out.
I also continued Kendo. It was great to see new and old faces. It really is such a great sport and the club is such a welcoming place. It helped keep my fitness up, though eventually I started missing sessions due to various other commitments. Perhaps I'll pick it up again in the new year.
The final weeks
As the term came to a close and things started slowing down, I took the time to explore and contemplate what it was I wanted to do.
I picked up pokemon (the TCG) after a friend happened to have a japanese card in the back of their phone. It was pure coincidence and honestly if it hadn't happened I likely would have ignored the card game.
I got back into network and servers, trying to run my own one of my old mac. It has had its ups and downs and I've learnt/reinforced a lot of the knowledge I picked up in my first year running oe of the website's for a student group.
The Winter Break
I'm sorry things are a bit rushed here at the end. Honestly, I find it hard to do this kind of recall and reflection. Not just that the way I categorise time and events doesn't align very helpfully with the Calendar year right now, but I tend to be unable to recall, process, or understand certain moments if my headspace isn't the same. Like if I'm happy I don't really understand my more depressed moments and the events that occur. I know things happen either from memory, or someone else. However it feels... detached. I can't connect the same way and really know how I felt, the intensity, etc.
This winter break has been so full of ups and downs. From being with my best friend, to being disappointed at the gifts my parents sent (ie not very personalised), to continuing to deal with my life problems and mental health. I have continued towards trying to become a content creator. Its a long journey and I hope one day its worth it. That it pays off. That someone appreciates this journey I've been on.
For now though, it is but a dream and I continue to simply be a consumer of all kinds of media :)
The look back
So how was 2024? Maybe one of the lowest points in my life. I've been through so much and I keep changing even now. Who I was at the start of the year feels so different to who I am now.
I keep discovering new things about myself. Like that I might actually fall somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum. And things keep spinning around me. In good ways like discovering my love for pokemon. And difficult ways, like how ADHD meds affect me so much and that I will likely rely on them for a very long time to function. To feel normal.
I am extremely happy to still have the same people I care about around me. And though not quite at a clearing, I can feel myself nearing one. Hopefully. (I'll explain this bit one day ;) it relates to my no regrets lifestyle)
The leg ahead
Society marches on. The machine rolls on. The journey continues.
Like I said at the start, the calendar year right now is split so weirdly in two. We begin in one arc. And then finish in a new one. Sometimes with the same characters and plot. Sometimes with different ones, new and old.
My hopes are to know where I'm going. Right now I'm waiting to see if I get a dream internship! It'll decide a lot about how the next year plays out. I plan on taking a gap year, a mental health one this time, if I don't get it. Time to learn about myself and gain skills to better survive with all my... conditions. Time to chase my passions and interests freely. And time to connect with my family and those I care about.
If I do get the internship though, its full steam ahead. Hopefully it goes well enough to secure a graduate position, otherwise its a great experience to have under my wing going into the dreaded job hunting phase.
I do hope that I can start posting my work on youtube. I've already made one post on bluesky and hopefully I can build some kind of following, however small. It'll probably revovle around pokemon, video games in general, programming, and japanese; but who knows, maybe something else will grab my fancy.
I am somewhat looking forward to the next year, but its more of a feeling of keeping the clock ticking forward. I'll likely still do stuff on this site, so idk stick around if you want xd.
As always thanks for reading this far. and to 2024, so long and thanks for all the fish.