Suspicions
I think I have BPD.
I can vaguely remember when I learnt about it. I was watching Homeland, a TV Show, and the mc was bipolar. I was curious to learn about about the condition, I had surmised from the show that it might involve obsession, hallucination, paranoia, and what not.
I was getting all confused by different terms. So the first time I saw the acronym I assumed it was to do with BiPolar Disorder. At the time I didn't really think much of it. I didn't really have any strong feelings that fit the criteria and I let it go after a while. I finished the TV Show and moved on with my life.
I did at some point talk to my psychologist about it, but we never took the conversation anywhere.
Then recently I had to see a psychiatrist in the hopes of being prescribed ADHD meds. She did a light reassessment, no tests but wanting to get a first hand understanding of my situation. Towards the end she started getting a little touchy and went on about not diagnosing me, but suggesting I look into something. That being BPD. She said the depression, self harm, and emptiness reminded her of the condition.
It kind of came as a shock. I wasn't expecting such a prognosis. I also didn't expect all these unanswered dots to connect together so neatly. I knew there was something other than ADHD and Autism triggering my depression. But I could only recall vague things about BPD.
Obviously that night I went down the rabbit hole once more. I think the key thing I hadn't felt last time was the loneliness. A core part of BPD is the fear of abandonment. That was something I didn't think I was experiencing at the time. I started to think though. Maybe I didn't say it as such, but whenever I'm depressed I'm alone, lonely, or feeling left out, uncared for.
I realised things got bad when my girlfriend had to be away for a long time. Even though my conscious, logical side knew she was a phone call away. That she would come back. That she needed to go home and visit family. I still spiralled.
If I allowed myself to, I could definitely honestly say I don't want to be abandoned. That I feel lonely most of the time. Sometimes even when she's next to me. Lying in bed, facing her back or arm. I think to myself I hate that she didn't put me to sleep. That she didn't understand. That she left me alone. That she didn't do what I want (without me asking). That I feel so alone, right next to her as she sleeps soundly. And alone I spiral.
I realise that passing off my shut downs as just autistic sensitivity is probably not enough. Some of it yeh. But the flipping between having the best day of my life and being lovey dovey, to feeling frustrated, angry sometimes, alone, not understood. Just because it took her a few seconds to unlock the door. A door I know takes a while to unlock (its a card scanner). I just can't help myself. And she learnt to adapt. And even that annoyed me. That she would comfort me and tell me to be patient and distract me as we waited for the door to open. But all I could think most of the time was she's not doing it right. I want X. I want Y. Why can't she just understand and do Z. She's done it before. Why do I ALWAYS have to ask.
I'm polyamorous, so I decided to google what its like for other poly people who have BPD. I think the ones that resonated most were kind of "It helps me manage my jealousy", "It helps when my FP is having a bad day, I can get the affection I need from my other partner", "No one can give me exactly what I need, so nesting with my FP, having another person to have sex with, and someone to share my hobbies helps fulfill all my needs".
I also looked back at the few relationships I had in high school. It was the first time I had asked my crushes out. One of them was very casual, but I was very physically affectionate right away. Another one I only asked out and was turned down, but I can remember clearly being so overjoyed even at the prospect (they made me wait a day before answering). And finally there was the one that lasted the longest (excluding my current girlfriend xd a story for another day), I attributed how I felt to NRE - 'New Relationship Energy' - a term I learnt at the time was commonly felt by poly people. Maybe now looking back it was something more. It was so intense, and my happiness relied so much on being with them... and when I went home for Christmas, I crashed so hard. Maybe the depression didn't come out of nowhere.
Anyway this is getting a bit long. I'll finish by reflecting on the diagnostic criteria:
| DSM-5 (5 or more of the following) | ICD-11 | My thoughts |
|---|---|---|
| Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) | Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment | Not really. I do have avoidant behaviour, and quiet BPD expresses itself slightly differently. Imagined abandonment is a thing though, I think. (Just realised I didn't say anything about quiet BPD! TLDW a lot of the... 'obnoxious' (?) behaviour is pointed inwards, blaming the self, rather than shouting at others or taking direct action) |
| A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation | A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships | I'll take it that unstable is referring to the whole idealisation cycle. Which reflectively (cause she's not with me rn) is likely what's been happening. I fight with my girlfriend constantly, but its never over anything substantial and never really fighting. I'm constantly trying to breakup with her because I hate being so toxic, yet also love her so much and would sign marriage papers if she ever offered UwU. |
| Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self | Identity disturbance, manifested in markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self | Hmm... I think I had more to say when I discussed this with my psychologist (we went through the DSM Criteria together). rn though with how I'm interpreting I'd say yes...? I've kind of passed it off as Autism mixed with modesty, not really believing in myself and my skills, learning a script (not on purpose) and repeating that when people ask. I've felt that the me at home (w/ my girlfriend), the me at work, and the me in social settings (like clubs/societies) are all different people. I never know which is the 'real' me. But idk if that's what this criterion means. |
| Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) | A tendency to act rashly in states of high negative affect, leading to potentially self-damaging behaviours | I do tend to feel less inclined to save money, and impulsively buy things I want when I'm depressed or down. I also generally have problems with eating, but I do either semi-starve myself or not care about how much junk I eat when I'm down. I'd say this criterion is less relatable if only because I don't really engage with the examples anyway so not any opportunity to test it (?). |
| Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour | Recurrent episodes of self-harm | Um... yes. I use self harm to destress. Harmless stuff like scratching, digging my nails into my skin, biting my arm. I've only cut myself 3 times (very small cuts) and don't really want to do that again (too painful). I did make a semi-suicide attempt last year (no intent, but performed suicidal behaviour and didn't think there was much reason to stop). Which has led to choking being another thing that happens every now and then when things get too intense (with rope if its not hidden, otherwise my hands do just fine in a pinch). |
| Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) | Emotional instability due to marked reactivity of mood | IDK how much of this is Austistic sensitivity, hormones (cause HRT and whatnot), but definitely there are times where its better to leave me alone (not literally necessarily, but let me do my thing). There have definitely been moments in the past year where I'm just on edge and can't settle down at all and anything my girlfriend does just triggers me. Looking back I hate it, but in the moment I just feel. |
| Chronic feelings of emptiness | Chronic feelings of emptiness | Yep. Been with me since I was 12. There have been moments (weeks or months) where I don't feel it or think about it, but it has always come back. I have always understood my depression and suicidal thinking to have stemmed from this or thoughts like it (meaningless in life, the repetition of everyday, nothing to look forward to). |
| Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) | Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger | Hmm... no comment. I have a whole memory issue with remembering these events anyway. Also don't tend to explode and I've learnt that leaving the room / running away is my preferred strategy / learned behaviour. Also NEVER physical. Very intense verbal assault yes, but I don't think I've ever hit someone in anger (definitely imagined breaking something though. like smashing my laptop or something). |
| Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms | Transient dissociative symptoms or psychotic-like features in situations of high affective arousal | Suspected OSDD like symptoms. Period of amnesia between 7/8-9/10 years old. When 'stressed'/depressed I can ideate about an imaginary lover, or not being loved, but idk if that's enough to count as paranoid ideation. Lol sorry this criterion's thoughts are so bad. |